Pantyhose are back

Pantyhose in place 1972

I have a girlfriend who at 65 has just discovered that women’s legs look sexier in heels, than flats. How this revelation has escaped her for all these years, I’ll never know. Yes I do. We were taught by nuns. We did not aspire to sexy. We never thought about it. We aspired to cute, pretty, beautiful if we thought we could manage it. But never did it occur to me that I might be considered sexy even as I wore mini-skirts up to my unmentionables like any good American girl in 1972.

The sad thing is that for most women of 65 the chance of looking sexy in anything is slim at best. There are women who fight the good fight and diet, exercise, and have ‘a little work’ done. For these brave souls I say, “Good for you. But you’re just putting off the inevitable.” The rest of of us prefer to ‘age gracefully’ – another term for ‘a little work’ being way out of our price range and/or we’re just too afraid we’ll end up looking like Mrs. Potato Head. But we like to pretend, so we sometimes wear high heels and pantyhose!

Yes, the good news is pantyhose are back! The fashion gurus of the world, thanks to the impeccable Kate Middleton Windsor, have finally admitted that pantyhose (or as they now call them ‘leg concealers’, no doubt in order to charge exorbitant amounts of money for a yard of nylon) are make-up for the legs. Get a grip people. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out that bare legs on anyone over ten are just not that great looking. Veins, scars, general knobbiness, and cellulite are simply unattractive. Let’s cover up those veins and compress those thighs!

And I don’t want to hear about the comfort factor. I do not want to hear, “Pantyhose are hot. Pantyhose are tight.” If you go there I will have to go back into the joys of garter belts and girdles (and, no, Spanx do not compare), but they are better left back in the day with teased hair and house dresses. Pantyhose, I still contend, were the best invention since sliced bread.

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