I have a birthday fast approaching – and, no, you may not ask how old I will be. I’m not going for full disclosure here. Let’s just say that middle age has passed me by and we’ll leave it at that.

At this age ordinary phrases take on new meanings. ‘How are you?’ is no longer just a passing comment, a conversation starter. Now it’s something we really want to know – how is your back, your arthritis, your knee, your blood sugar, and your blood pressure – all daily inquiries that need an answer.

‘Where did I put the cupcake pans? (or the keys, or the car, for that matter) becomes quite an upsetting question. After all, if I can’t remember where the hell I put the cupcake pans, do I still remember how to make cupcakes, and do I even like them? Or worse yet, will I know what they are for when I find them?

Of course, this brings us to the granddaddy of innocuous phrases uttered a thousand times over the years. ‘What in the world would I do without you?’ Well, as Tom and I look in the mirror it dawns on us that one day one of us will indeed find this out. Unless we are, of course, the only two people in the history of the human race who will just keep going ad infinitum. And wouldn’t that be a kick in the pants?

Tom, who really cannot cook, said this the other day as he watched me make my 16,000th dinner. “If you go first, I don’t know what I’ll do. I’d starve.” He quickly amended it saying, “Well, I’d miss you, of course. But I would starve.”

 And well he might. Tom, bless his little pea pickin’ heart, has not yet mastered the complexities of dialing the phone and ordering Chinese. Maneuvering the grocery store seems to be beyond his skill set. And even supposing he manages to get food into the house, he simply does not know how to cook it.

But he says not too worry. He is quite positive that he will go first. He feels in his heart of hearts that I am destined to be one of those women who outlives everyone. Well, thank you very much. An old age I can really look forward to – alone – with sixteen cats – and a cupcake pan. Happy birthday to me!